Why Introverts Are Misunderstood

As I learned what it means to be an introvert, I found myself wondering why introverts are misunderstood. Since introverts comprise roughly half the population, why is it that we feel marginalized? Why are extroverts often treated as “normal” while introverts can be treated as odd or somehow inferior? I have a few theories as to why this might be, and the sad truth of the matter is…

It’s natural. It’s natural, and it could very well always be this way. Hopefully there will be improvement – and I am already seeing improvement, what with books on the subject sold in mass markets such as Target, and TED talks being produced about introverts) – but I believe it is a conundrum that will always be an issue to some degree. This isn’t pessimism, it’s a realistic look at our nature.

Extroverts are louder. I do not mean that as an insult, but as a simple matter of fact. While the extrovert is more prone to speaking, the introvert is more inclined to listen, or at the least less inclined to talk as much. So as a whole, the extroverts say more, talk more, and thus are heard more, in a sense leaving the introverts in the dust. The internet has been changing this dynamic in a way nothing else could (for example, see this very blog), but away from technology, in a more direct setting, still the extroverts appear dominant. And why do the introverts get pushed aside? Because we do not interrupt as much, because we are less insistent, because we do not care to contribute to the incessant din that bombards us at every turn; we are more interested in listening than talking, . By our very nature, introverts are less seen and less heard, and thus become relegated to some sort of inferior state of being by sheer virtue of being drowned out.

Furthermore, we see successful people in the spotlight and idolize them, which inadvertently leads us to shunning that which isn’t like them. We worship extroverts, making them an ideal, thus making extroversion ideal. The celebrities, the athletes, the rock stars, the people who are always the center of attention and love it. We admire these people and raise them up as some sort of image of perfection, completely overlooking the positive traits others have that prevent them from the spotlight. Our society does not praise authors the way they do other celebrities (why aren’t Stephen and Tabitha King known as the power writing couple Stevitha?). America does not laud mathematical and computer programming skills the way they do guitar prowess and singing (imagine how different our society would be if we did!). As long as the extroverted are the ones who get the majority of the attention– and they love the attention the way the introverted often do not, so I fear this will always be the case– then I feel extroversion will always be elevated as superior, or at least somehow preferable.

Introverts and extroverts alike both desire and require social interaction. But on average, extroverts tend to lean toward more socializing more often, while introverts favor quality over quantity. Since humans are social beings, desiring less socialization (and at times, longing for no social interaction) can understandably be seen as contradictory, aberrant behavior. If practiced in a healthy manner, this is hardly aberrant, but it is understandable where that presumption might come from.

The average introvert does not like the spotlight, does not want attention. Being the center of attention can be overwhelming for an introvert. Even being noticed can often be more than we desire. This makes it difficult– unlikely, even – that we will ever fully overcome the great divide, but we can make great strives toward bridging that gap.

We don’t want to expend our energy on small talk, on interacting with people we will probably never talk to again; we want to act with purpose, and have conversations that will matter, affecting one or more of the people involved in some significant way. This can mean being selective about when we talk, and who we talk to, again leaving us unnoticed and a lesser known part of events. But an introvert who only says a few words in a large group might steer the conversation far more than a group of extroverts talking, or can get more personal more easily, and thus leave a greater impression on events than anyone might really know.

In the end, introverts are not seen as much as extroverts, putting extroverts in the spotlight and disproportionately tilting the scales in their favor. In truth, the scales are balanced, but introverts go unnoticed so often that this can be difficult to perceive.

What an Introvert is Not

What an Introvert is NOT

In the process of trying to explain what an introvert is, it would be a good idea for us to go over what an introvert is not. My primary intention in writing this blog is to overcome misconceptions of introverts, because they frequently lead to hurtful (but often well-intentioned) statements born of ignorance.

As I outlined in my previous post, What is an Introvert?, the term introvert is a way of describing how a person functions. This can be extremely diverse, allowing for no uniform description. Nevertheless, many stereotypes persist, painting introverts in an unnecessarily negative light. Many people look upon introverts as anti-social, loners, awkward, depressed, damaged, deprived, selfish, weird, abnormal, and so on. While any one of these are certainly possible for an introvert, it isn’t necessarily the case that any of them will apply.

Unfortunately, the common definition of Introvert perpetuates many of these misconceptions. Google’s definition, for example:

Google’s outdated definition of Introvert, consistent with other dictionaries, but inconsistent with modern psychology’s use of the word.

“A shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.”

Honestly, I find that definition quite offensive. It suggests a selfishness that would hardly be the case, and for me personally, I don’t fit either shy or reticent, yet I readily describe myself as introvert.

To be fair, many different places have a similar definition. In some cases, it is described as “inward focused,” which I believe to be a more accurate description. But in definitions pulled from many sources, selfishness and being self-centered play a common role. Much of this is likely due to the origin of the word (coined by Carl Jung, a psychologist), where introversion and selfishness were fairly synonymous. Nowadays, psychology doesn’t use it this way at all (at least, not that I could find), but still the older, antiquated definition persists. This is a poor definition, though, as introverts are as diverse as anyone. To point, two of the most selfless people I know are introverts, and some of the most selfish people I know are extroverts. This definition is clearly inaccurate and should be retired in favor of a more modern one, something that focuses on function rather than morality of ethics of a personality type.

Now there certainly can be a greater tendency toward certain negative traits as a result of being introverted. An introvert is more likely to be reticent (inclined to be uncommunicative or unwilling to express themselves) than an extrovert, but that is not a universal truth about all introverts, and extroverts can experience this as well. Likewise, introverts can be more prone to isolating themselves, to being anti-social, or socially awkward, or to not expressing themselves frequently enough. But a greater propensity towards such problems does not mean they must be present, and it does not mean people of a different disposition can not deal with the same issues.

Inversely, extroverts also have their own set of problems that they will be more prone to, but are no more universal than those of the introvert. Extroverts are more likely to interrupt someone while in conversation than an introvert, but introverts can do it as well, and many extroverts are quite deft at waiting for their chance to speak. While introverts might have a greater tendency to withdraw from the world and isolate themselves from others, extroverts can have a greater tendency to busy themselves in the world and isolate themselves from themselves by constantly being with others. Both have their unhealthy tendencies they are more inclined toward, but to run the point into the ground, they are hardly universal.

I am an introvert, but I don’t feel I am very shy anymore. I am certainly not anti-social. I am unafraid to share my ideas, or even be open about my thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to hide anything anymore. I readily put myself out in the open to be observed and scrutinized, and I am unafraid. I actively seek to help those that I love, including people I don’t know very well, with no thought to what I might receive in return. I don’t fit Google’s definition of introvert (not to pick on Google; that is a woefully standard definition), but functionally, I am anything but extroverted.

I think it’s high time we begin eradicating the negative connotations from the word introvert and begin seeing it for what it is: a way of identify the way a person functions, in order that we might better understand one another.

By the way, this isn’t just me. I know plenty of other people feel the same way as I do. For another introvert’s musings and self-reflection, check out Viel’s blog post on being an introvert, and check out the book she recommends, “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D. I haven’t read it yet, but I definitely plan on doing so.

What is an Introvert?

What is an Introvert?

Probably the best place to begin would be to ask the seemingly simple question, “What is an introvert?” I say seemingly because the answer is far more complex than the average person would probably expect. The truth is, there is no simple answer. There is no check list, no universal standard for what introverts are like. I have known introverts who rarely leave the house, secluding themselves and avoiding the outside world, with little social interaction whatsoever. I have known other introverts who love to go out, love to have big parties, and have many, many friends. I have witnessed introverts functioning very similar to me, making me doubt that they actually are introverts because I thought we were all the same. More and more I realize, just as with most any label we can place on people, “introvert” is a far more complex, diverse spectrum of person than a simple, computer-like list of specifications.

So again, what is an introvert? There are some common traits that most introverts have in common, though it would be folly to broad-brush introverts as a whole by saying that they all have any one of these traits. I will explore each point more completely in later posts, as well as inspect traits I have that I know are common to many introverts but not necessarily as standard, but for now a quick run-down of some of the basics would be prudent.

• External Processing versus Internal Processing.

  Most (if not all) introverts process things internally. Unlike extroverts, who tend to want to talk through their problems and thoughts, an introvert will usually process things within their own heads. This can lead to silence a lot of the time, and for some requires silence, but it is notably different from extroverts in that introverts can appear withdrawn, or even as though they aren’t paying attention. The truth, however, is that we can often be paying even more attention than others, but we’re processing everything we take in in a manner that isn’t necessarily obvious to anyone.

• Energy From Social Interaction versus Energy For Social Interaction

  An extrovert goes to a party and thrives. When they get the opportunity to interact with many people, it grants them a lot of energy; it often seems like they can go forever, only getting more and more energized as the night goes on. Their social battery starts at a certain level, and as they interact with friends and strangers alike, the battery gradually fills.

  An introvert, on the other hand, has to come with social batteries charged, and every social interaction slowly drains us. Eventually, we will run out of energy, and simply can not handle any more. We will have had too much, and our ability to continue to interact amicably becomes diminished, or even destroyed. The only solution is to break away and get some time alone, to clear our heads, and to process things the way we do: internally, in solitude, not a part of the group.

• Go Time versus Down Time

  Several of my extrovert friends have to always be doing something. One person I know pushes herself to the point that she has health problems because she stresses herself out from doing so much (you know who you are; slow down!). There is a seemingly insatiable drive to constantly be doing more; exploring, working, entertaining, enjoying, etc., etc. If you look at their vacation itineraries, they have every minute planned out, and if they don’t, they will try to find something to fill that time. They will almost certainly achieve and experience a great deal in their lives. But us introverts? That would drive us insane.

  Look at my vacation itinerary, and I will always have time blacked out. That time won’t allow for activities, or anything busy. That time will be relaxing time. That time will be reflecting time, time allowing me to take things in. Part of it is processing. Part of it is not getting overwhelmed. But really, it’s about resting and just being. I don’t have to experience everything to appreciate it al. Really, if I am constantly on the go, my mind will just be running ahead to the next thing and I won’t ever have the time to appreciate what I have.

  Down time is incredibly important for introverts. We get a lot of our processing done in this down time. We “vent” in that time (I do not mean “venting” in the anger sense, but in more of a detox/letting go sense. I will write more about this another time). We recharge. We think, rest, create, read, and take the time to properly acknowledge and (hopefully) appreciate life. In truth, we are often most us– I am often the most me– during our down time, and if we don’t get it, we are being restricted from a crucial part of our own selves. And without that down time, our go time will be half-hearted at best.

As I stated earlier, there are certainly other traits, but these are some of the primary ones that seem to be the most common and are generally inherent to most introverts. I plan on really going into detail with these and other points in the future, giving examples from my own lives in contrast with extroverts I know. But before I go down that path, I want to take some time exploring the other side of our question, “What is an introvert?” Namely, I want to not only inform people just what an introvert is, I want to explore what an introvert is not. So look forward to that next time; hopefully it shatters a few misconceptions and causes at least a few of you to look at introverts in a whole new light.

Understanding Introverts

I have long wanted to share my thoughts on what it means to be an introvert, particularly in a society that seems to favor extroverts, and understanding introverts for who they (we) are, but I was never quite sure how to go about doing so. I had thought of writing a book, but my follow-through on that sort of thing isn’t very good, and I don’t think I am enough of an authority on the subject to do so in any compelling manner. It never occurred to me to blog about it until just recently, when I was working on my other blog, The Luminous End, and a majority of my posts began to gravitate towards the subject.

The way I want to write this blog is different than most of the stuff I have read on the subject. In the other instances, they have all talked about introversion from a scientific, medical, and/or psychological viewpoint, citing studies and research and approaching it in a very analytical manner. While I do want to analyze, my method will be more anecdotal, pulling from my own experiences and discussing what I have learned about myself over the years. Hopefully this will be more relatable, as well as making it easier for any extroverts that might be reading to better understand their introverted friends and family. For as much as I want to discuss the differences between introverts and extroverts, I also want to convey how many introverts feel in different circumstances. I want this to be an exploration of how introverts are treated differently– usually unconsciously– and how damaging that can be. I want to convey the struggles an introvert faces, not through the cold lens of research, psychology, and neuroscience, but from the personal reflections of one who has lived through those struggles, and continues to do so.

This is a journey that has become very important to me over the last couple years, and its a subject that I believe is extremely important but receives very little recognition. My intention is that this will be accessible to introverts and extroverts alike, to help better understand friends, family, colleagues… and themselves.

I plan on being more structured and deliberate with this blog, so while I may be redoing posts from my old blog here and there, they will be modified and thus (hopefully) worth revisiting if you have already read them. If this is your first foray into the thoughts of introverts and extroverts, welcome! Hopefully everyone can learn something here; I know I am learning a great deal myself in the writing process.

As a quick disclaimer: This blog will be incredibly honest. I don’t plan on holding anything back. I won’t be looking for pity, or sympathy, or anything really, beyond expressing myself honestly in hopes that others can learn from it. Input, thoughts, and questions are always welcome, as even for an introvert, this is anything but a solo journey.